An Ode (and Final Farewell) to Looking

Every so often, a series comes along that you relate to instantly. And hopefully, that series is not only consistent throughout each of its seasons, but it has the necessary fanbase and reviews that it sticks around for years. It's hard to find those series. Nothing's perfect, some seasons are lackluster, it's cancelled as quickly as it premiered. Other times, though, you're given one last chance to say goodbye. And dammit, you take that opportunity and you make the most of those final moments.

HBO's Looking has always held a special place in my heart, ever since it first aired in 2014. I remember it vividly. It was a blistery January evening. Right after it premiered, HBO promoted the series by uploading the entire pilot to YouTube to watch for free. Knowing that it was about a trio of gay men living in San Francisco, obviously I knew I had to watch it. And what I found in that first episode was nothing short of a subtle miracle. Running through the gauntlet of the numerous facets of being a gay man in the 21st century (cruising, Tinder, monogamy), I found myself connecting to these stories, simply because this was the first time they had been adequately portrayed on television. Here, I found the queer community, represented as lived-in, as in a part of the everyday experience. There was no unnecessary attention drawn to the fact that these characters were gay. They just were. It was a part of their identity. It seems painfully simple, and in a way, it was. There were no histrionics, there was no extravagance. And because of this, I related.

Two years came and went. I watched each episode as soon as it aired, soaking in the characters, the delicacy of these relationships, and the beautiful San Fran setting. As happens when you are in love with something, you scan the deep inter webs, reading all the think pieces and articles that you can devour in one sitting. Looking was no exception.  I had read across the Internet that the series was boring, that it was just trying to be the gay Girls. I became defensive. First off, what does that even mean? And second, how does one dictate boring? I was getting so worked up over all of these off-putting remarks. I am by no means insisting that my opinion is the only right one, but to write-off a series by calling it boring has always struck me as lazy. Give me a better reason puh-lease. Besides, as I will divulge below, while some may not have related to the show as well as I did, its mere presence impacted more than I initially thought.

In a nutshell and without spoiling anything for future viewers, Looking tells the story of Patrick Murray (played with such awkward enthusiasm by Jonathan Groff), a video game designer who lives in San Francisco with his two best friends Dom and Agustín (played by Murray Bartlett and Frankie J. Alvarez respectively). Portrayed as unlucky in love, the series follows all of Patrick's capers, as he comes to terms with his own identity; sexually, romantically, and individually. Relationships include those with barber Richie (Raúl Castillo) and boss Kevin (Russell Tovey). Again, it is not enough to focus on these plot points, because they only serve as a catalyst for unique discussions and insight into each of these characters.

Looking is not grand. It is not extravagant. It is not about the big picture. Rather, it focuses on the details, on the characters, on the stolen glances of new love, of lost love, of love recaptured. In its two season run, one might argue that "nothing happens." But maybe that's the point, and maybe the point was missed. There is something so achingly beautiful in each scene, however flawed they can be. At the end of the day, this series is about the relationships, about creating a series that celebrates the queer community by demonstrating to its audiences that these men have crafted their own family. I would never try to claim that gay men are "normal" because normalcy is relative. What I can say, however, is that this one show was and is important. It demonstrates how the queer community can be represented.

I won't lie to any of you. I was devastated when Looking was cancelled. Where was I to go without these characters? What was going to happen to these relationships?? But boy was I relieved to find HBO was giving its fans one last hurrah with a final 85 minute long movie. I waited. And I waited some more. And finally the day came- Looking: The Movie. I chose not to catch up with the series beforehand, because I wanted to focus only on the film. And what I watched only reinforced the love I had for this series.

Looking picks up several months after the season two finale, a reason that I was glad that I did not watch both seasons before indulging in the film. And while I do not want to rehash the synopsis for you (because let's face it, you should just watch the movie for yourself), what I can do is recommend this slice of life for gay men with my utmost praises. Each of the characters is back in their most honest, their most flawed and exposed. And I soaked up this final hour and a half as best I could. Looking never threw away an opportunity to shows its audience how powerful a conversation between two, how intimate a love scene, how nuanced a relationship between a gay man and a straight woman can be. The film itself may be used to pick up the remaining pieces of these characters' lives, but that does not mean its beauty is tossed out the window. Rather, it is reinstated, by allowing each of these men and women to find their happy endings, however happy they may be.

I am planning on initiating a new weekly post devoted to my favorite scenes of television/film for that week (however old these episodes or scenes may be) and discussing what makes them resonate with me. And you best believe the final 10 minutes of Looking: The Movie will be right at the type of my list. Honestly, I am still working out all of my feelings, because there are a lot. But suffice it to say that this film has stuck with me. The entire series has. And while I know this is not the last you are going to hear me talk about it, please do yourselves a favor: take the journey. Y'all gotta start looking.

“I Imagine My Life as a Series of Musical Numbers”

This summer has been good to me. Sandwiched between three assorted jobs, I have managed to watch a slew of series that have been on my radar. And while I will be writing about plenty of them in the future, the one that I want to discuss currently is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. 

I vividly remember watching Rachel Bloom winning a Golden Globe for her performance, sprinting up to the podium and thanking the audience profusely, for allowing her the opportunity to tell this story. And in a way, it's a simple one: Rebecca, a mentally unbalanced, clinically depressed woman, reconnects with an ex and decides to follow him when he moves to California. But here's the kicker: it's a musical too. A lot of the goings happen inside of Rebecca's head, and as such, the numbers are used as her own self of expression. It's quirky, it's fun, and also heartbreaking. Expressing a lot of the feelings and actions through song really helps this show to sing, no pun intended. While the series has high highs, it also has some low lows. Some characters don't quite fit into this world, and not all of the musical numbers mesh.

That said, when the music soars, it really takes the show to another level. That is why I wanted to devote today's post to celebrating my five favorite numbers from the first season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I chose only five, because then we would be getting into some tricky waters, trying to list all of the great songs. Believe me, there are so many.

05. “What’ll It Be” from 1x06, My First Thanksgiving with Josh!

I'm not going to lie, I am a huge fan of power ballads, and this one foot the bill for me. Giving the audience its first glimpse into the sadness and bitterness that consumes Greg, we are first able to see this light aching that is simultaneously relatable and sad. Pining over Rebecca is not the only thing going on in Greg's life, and this piano driven cry for help is one example of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend combining a tongue-in-cheek approach to its vague hint of loneliness.

04. “The Sexy Getting Ready Song” from 1x01, Josh Just Happens to Live Here!

But at times, the series is flat-out hilarious. And this number exemplifies this perfectly, blending in tons of visual gags and spoofing rap interludes. What else could you possibly need. This was the first song in the show that made me cackle.

03. “JAP Battle” from 1x13, Josh and I Go to Los Angeles!

Did you know that JAP stood for Jewish American Princess? Nor did I, but boy did this song teach me a thing or two. In the same vein as Rap Battles, Rebecca and childhood nemesis Audra lay down some sick burns (I will never write that phrase ever again) as they take on opposing sides on an upcoming court case. What I value in a series is a quick wit, and this song packs all the punt that could normally be found in entire seasons.

02. “Settle for Me” from 1x04, I’m Going on a Date with Josh’s Friend!

Heralding back to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, this number finds Greg begging Rebecca to give him a chance for a date. And it's here where Crazy Ex-Girlfriend finds its groove. This Emmy-Nominated song throws in every trick in the musical theatre handbook and comes out victorious. It's magical and satiric and wonderful. 

01. “You Stupid Bitch” from 1x11, That Text was Not Meant for Josh!

No other song stood a chance. After royally screwing up a plot to be with Josh, Rebecca sings this to an unseen crowd of adoring fans. She laments her flaws, her inner demons that she cannot escape, and it is in this one song that we are offered a needed lens into Rebecca's broken, damaged character. The song is hilarious, but it is also a reminder that this woman is not perfect, nor should we condone all of her actions. She is desperate for love and attention, and she will do anything to get it. Here, she comes to terms with this, staring at all of those demons and urging us to sing along with her. In a way, you could argue that she is forcing us to confront our own flaws. Perhaps I am reading into this too deeply, but this number has stuck with me long after watching it. I find myself singing along gleefully, but at the same time, with pangs of regret. This was one astonishing number. 

And with that, I turn it to you! Have you watched the series? What are some of your favorite numbers?

"Because I'm a Lady, Ass-Face!"

I've come to the quick realization: you have NO idea who I am. And by this, I mean you only know my affinity for Enlightened. But if I am going to spend (at least) the next semester rambling on about television, perhaps it is best to get a feel for my "taste" before we start this odd rapport of writer and reader.

My oftentimes tumultuous relationship with television viewing began pretty early in my childhood when I stumbled upon a season four episode of Will & Grace. I remember it distinctly, it was the episode that Matt Damon guest-starred on, "A Chorus Lie," and I knew from that one episode that I was hooked. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had started developing my identity as a gay man, from as early as the fifth grade. I just didn't know it then. But several years later, I came to terms with this reality, and in a way, if it wasn't for Will & Grace, I dot think I would be half the person I am today. Yawn, I get it. I could post article after articles about the impacts of the media on shaping our identities, but I won't bore you. We all know this. But start to recognize those shows in your life that have helped you through difficult times, those that you can return to at any point in your life. It's crazy, but I still pop in my old DVDs of this sitcom, the sitcom that started it all, just for comfort. Will, Grace, Jack, and Karen are all old friends. And because, of course I own all eight seasons and the series finale on DVD.

I was not at the age to completely understanding what "binging" meant, and to this day, I try to avoid that phrase. It simply comes down to a matter of watching a series in rapid succession, and I didn't have easy access to that when I was a youngster. I caught episodes of W&G when I could on TV, or I would rent out seasons at a time from Family Video. Otherwise, I watched whatever was available to me. I didn't even know what Netflix was, nor have I ever had DVR. What was a young midwest gay kid to do?

I even have this image hung up in my bedroom.

Six Feet Under changed everything for me. Will & Grace started as a past-time. But there was this quality about SFU that intrigued me. I had not seen an episode of it, but I was developing my taste in film and I had just seen American Beauty. I wanted to explore Alan Ball's career. I begged and begged my parents for the DVD collection of Six Feet Under, and after badgering for so long, I received the entire series on DVD for Christmas. I was scared. This was it, the first series that I was going to fly through. And boy did I! 5 seasons, an hour for each episode. Although I was in the middle of my sophomore year of high school, I managed to watch Six Feet Under in its entirety in two weeks time.

And what an adventure that proved to be. With fleshed-out characters, a premise that was simultaneously kooky and grounded in humanity, and a cast that inhabited these individuals with precision, I found myself head-over-heels. Today, I find myself talking to people and their latest TV obsessions. I had never had one like that, one that told one, long, gradual story. Whereas Will & Grace was episodic and I could watch any episode and catch myself up, this was a brand new world for me. I was on the edge of my seat throughout the whole series, and although I typically consider myself to be an emotionally closed off person, the series finale devastated me. When I say devastated me, I mean sobbing. Sobbing for two hours after I watched the episode, sobbing in the shower. SOBBING.

When asked what my favorite shows are, I say that Will & Grace and Six Feet Under are interchangeable. Both series came into my life at critical times and have since influenced my thoughts and feelings on television. They set the bar, and I am always on the hunt for series that stack up. Have I? You bet.

A few more shows swoop into my favorites list, because of course I compile a list of all my favorite series. I'll offer up a concise list of some of these shows in the accompanying weeks. I don't want to give everything away in the second post. But suffice it to say that when you start with Will & Grace and Six Feet Under, you will start to gain a feel for what we are going to talk about. We may cry. We may laugh. And ultimately, things are going to be a little gay.

"I'm Not Used to Things Going My Way."

To those of you reading this right now, I would like to start by saying welcome! Beyond referencing HBO's Enlightened in my first post (as well as using Laura Dern's Amy Jellicoe for the first image you see*), you must take my word for it when I say there is a method behind the madness. You may not know it now, but you have stumbled upon a new project of mine that has been a long run in the making.

At a surface glance, this may appear to be a simple blog of one guy's ramblings about television. Which, to be fair, it is... in a way. But please believe me when I say this is so much more to me than that.**

I'm getting ahead of myself, let me preface. I am a second year graduate student at Ball State University. I am currently studying Communication with a focus on Queer Media and HIV Rhetoric. It's taken me a long time, but I have finally found comfort in what I study, what read about on a daily basis. Research is daunting, putting myself out there into a more professional setting is even more so. The rewards from a culmination of the two, though, are priceless. Excuse me for maybe sounding like a freshman taking their first college course, but I love communication. I love reading about the numerous intricacies that are represented through the media. I love acknowledging the fact that our identities (individual and cultural) are created and cultivated through the media. I love examining texts that destabilize the foundation of our collective ideologies. It's all so queer and I just can't get enough.

I'll admit, I've never been much of a writer. I write like I talk- I am choppy, sometimes cyclical, and overly redundant. I am trying to come to terms with my flaws as a writer and critical thinker. I was finally presented with an opportunity to really work on that in depth. Going into the second year of my graduate studies, I have since decided on a focus for my thesis and and I am trying to wrap up my course schedule for the semester. I got lucky. One class is one that I can design myself, an independent study if you will. At first I was gung-ho "let's start right away" excitement, but then it quickly morphed into "Oh... right, I need to make a syllabus. For myself." It felt surreal, queer perhaps.

I had to think, "where do I even start?" I had to contemplate what I know, what I want to talk about, am I disciplined enough to keep writing constantly? It got so scary at a certain point that I began questioning who I was as a person.*** It is here that this will all be figured out, but I hope to do it non-traditionally. I do not want this to be a regurgitation of questions asked, answered, moving on. I won't be writing here just to get an A. I want this to be more than that, and I want to use this as a platform to explore how I view television, and in particular, how it latently affects the LGBTQ+ community.

To say I know immediately what it is that I will be doing in the coming months would be a total lie. I don't know. I'm still working on my syllabus. Whatever format I choose for the next post (and the next and the next) may change over time, and that's okay! In fact, I want it to! I don't know how this website works, I am not tech savvy. I would certainly hope I get the hang of everything on here more. All this considered, I am ready to go on this strange journey with you, potential readers. If you have any suggestions or questions, please just let me know what I can do to improve my website. Believe me when I say this is all a learning process. So come one, come all!

Let the watching commence.

*If you have not indulged in Enlightened's two-season glory, I don't even know how we can continue in tandem.
**Potentially
***That's a stretch, but you know what I mean